I Remember

I was sitting in a purple bean bag chair in the common section of my dorm. Humanities had ended and I had a break before my next class began. It was a beautiful Tuesday and only the second day of my sophomore year. The bean bag chair wasn't mine but it was comfortable and very inviting. I had been sitting there for only a few minutes when one of the juniors burst through the door. She had just spoken to her father. Someone had flown two planes into the World Trade Center towers. I jumped up and ran to my room. My Mom worked in Manhattan, close to the towers but I wasn't certain how close. I had a subway map in my room, of course I did. I was in NH, 4 hours away from my home, and kept reminders of NY everywhere. I found her subway stop and then I found the World Trade Center, two subway stops which meant she was 6-8 blocks away from the towers. I took out my cell phone and tried every number in my phone book.

"All circuits are busy." was the message I got over and over again.

I dropped my phone and ran across campus to the library where Meghan would be sitting and waiting for class to start. I entered the classroom and she wasn't there. Someone had popped into the room and announced that NYC had been bombed and then left the room. She was in the bathroom. I found her and told her that planes had been flown into the towers and that I had tried every number I could think of and couldn't get through. We went back to the classroom and sat down. I don't know why. Well . . .. I do know why. We sat down because that was where we were supposed to be and having tried to call every number I could think of and being unable to get through there was nothing else we could do. Our teacher had come in and the class was starting and we sat down.

I don't remember the class. I have been told by a number of my classmates that this was one of our teacher's best classes and I regret that I can't remember it. My mind was somewhere else that I can't remember. I was wondering where my Mom was, trying to think if there was another number I could call, wondering why all circuits were busy, wondering where my Dad was, and a whole host of other thoughts. I was probably wondering why? I'm certain I was wondering why. I was thinking about the fact that those were our towers. They were the twin towers and we were twins. The one with the antenna was mine because I was older (and at various points while growing up I was taller). The other one was Meghan's.

The only thing I remember from the class is that at the end my teacher offered me her phone. I said no because I didn't have phone numbers memorized, they were saved in my phone. I then left the classroom because for some reason I had dropped my phone in my room and now didn't have it with me to try and call. Meghan was behind me a few feet. I saw one of the faculty members coming towards me from the administrative building. She told me that my Dad had called. He said that my Mom was covered in soot but was ok and they would call later. I was so relieved I started to cry. That was all I could do. I couldn't speak and I turned to see my sister and two friend's and I held my thumb up as a sign that everything was ok.

We watched the news for the rest of the day and waited for our parents to call.



A few years later I went into the city on the anniversary of 9/11 with my Mom and Uncle. I had been back to the sight of the towers but never on the actual day. I wanted to see the towers of light. When it finally got dark enough and we could see the towers of light we could see little twinkling spots in the lights. As we walked closer we wondered what they were. They looked like stars twinkling or maybe balloons floating up the towers reflecting the lights. We thought maybe they had been let go in memory of the over 2000 killed, it certainly looked like there were 2000 little stars in the beams traveling up them. We kept watching them and trying to guess what they really were. We never would have come up with the actual answer. They were bugs and birds attracted to the light, perhaps, natures own memorial to the lost.

A few years later Meg and I went into the city on 9/11 again. This time Meg wanted to see the towers. We walked around down town and then went to midtown by Bryant park. In Bryant park there was a type writer set up for people to type anything: thoughts, memories. messages to others. Meg thinks they were collected and put in a museum somewhere. I typed something but I don't remember what. It was nice to type on the old style type writer and watch each letter stamped on to the page.

A couple of years ago I saw a painting in a store and bought it for my Mom. It was a picture of the towers (really the sky line) with a low orange light in the sky and above it a blue sky. It made me think of her and I thought she would like it.

One year we also went to the field in Shanksville, PA where flight 93 was taken down. For me it felt completely different then Ground Zero. It made me feel peaceful. It was a very solemn place and beautiful. I think part of the difference is because the people on the plane re-took control.



It is hard to understand the emotion felt by that day and the days following. The attack was felt throughout the country, differently by everyone. I have tried very hard to understand my feelings and emotions. I was lucky. I knew I was lucky. My Mom had been there and was home safe. A lot of people were not so lucky. I was 250 miles away in NH watching the news. It was year's later when I learned the term for what I was feeling. It is survivor's guilt. Because I wasn't there and my Mom was. And she got home safely and so many people weren't so lucky and I felt guilty that I was happy because I was so lucky. I still do when I think about that day. And I know I am not alone.

I will never forget this day. I will never forget the fear and confusion. I will never forget watching the news and wondering about the people- fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, friends, daughters, sisters, wives, mothers- inside those buildings struggling to get out or on those planes and the family members waiting for word from them.

Tomorrow I hope everyone takes a moment to think about what is important in life. I know I will.