Happy New Year and good bye 2014.

Happy New Year I wish a warm welcome to 2015!

Well 2014 is over and good riddance! I can't say I'm going to be sad to see the end of this year. It has been frustrating and heart breaking.

At the start of the year I thought for certain I would be in TN by the spring/summer. Then the pipes in my house froze and broke in multiple places. That happened very early in the year and served as a good indicator on how the year went.

Of course there are good times too. The trip we took to Italy was filled with wonderful memories and once in a lifetime type moments. I am still putting together pictures and videos from that trip to post here.

Actually over the last few months I have started several posts and just never finished them. I think part of the problem is that I really thought by now this blog would have become more about decorating my house and fun projects I had planned. Now I have just been collecting things I want to do in my house and waiting and waiting and waiting to get there.

I'll get there soon enough I know. The house in NY is empty and ready to hit the market. We have consulted with a couple of realtors and are doing research as to price and how the market is trending.


So hopefully next year as I look back at 2015 it will be from TN and I will be looking back at my first projects and memories in my house.

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne

I wish it was that simple, Garth.

I remember sitting in my room singing every word to every song on Garth Brook's Fresh Horses cd when it first came out. In particular I remember singing along to the song "The Change". I sang along with such passion and emotion and I thought to myself that was me. I was never going to let the world change me. Every verse and chorus spoke to my 13 year old soul. The song started so quietly with a simple story:

"One hand reaches out and pulls a lost soul from harm 

While a thousand more go unspoken for

They say what good have you done by saving just this one

It's like whispering a prayer in the fury of a storm."

I mean the song raised a good question. What was the point? What did it matter in the face of so many suffering if I did anything. One person helped while dozens more took their place so why bother. But the song had an answer as to what was the point.

"And I hear them saying you'll never change things

And no matter what you do it's still the same thing.

But it's not the world that I am changing.

I do this so this world will know that it will not change me."

That was it. As pointless as it seemed in the big picture of the whole world didn't matter because there was this particular instance and in this instance I can have an effect and show the world that I would not give up. That I believed there could be a better world and I was not going to let everything going on around me change me from believing and working toward that goal. And then there was the reassurance from The Change a quick line in between the repeating chorus.

"As long as one heart still holds on then hope is never really gone."

And finally the quiet affirmation at the end.

"What I do is so this world will know

That it will not change me."

There is hope and that one heart is the singer. And I promised myself that was me. I would not change. Looking back it was a foolish child who promised myself that I would never change. I was 13 what did I know about the world? Of course I was going to change. I trusted people when I was 13. I didn't wonder about ulterior motives. If someone was nice to me I thought it was because they liked me not because they had some kind of agenda. I thought people were honest and that what they said to my face was what they really thought. That doesn't mean I hadn't met people who were nasty to me or my sister or my parents. But I remember having this theory that everyone I met whether they were good or bad to me had a purpose and something I could learn from them about who I wanted to be as a person. In every interaction I learned how I wanted to act toward people, whether I wanted to follow the example or I wanted to be better. I really believed that.

At times I look back at my old Pollyanna outlook and shake my head because I don't know if I believe that anymore. It seems so naive now to trust people.

And then earlier this year Garth Brooks released a new song "People Loving People". Once again I have a new song to listen to and memorize and it's amazing how Garth Brooks seems to be so perfect at putting out songs that speak to me, and, I'm sure lots of other people.

This line really got me.

"You won't find no resolution in the bottom of a bottle 

In the stars of Aristotle"

God knows I tried to find the answer in Plotinus, Plato, Aristotle, Augustine, Aquinas, Descartes, Kirkegaard, Camus, Pieper, and others. I never felt like I had a real answer. I tried to find it in Cleckley, Fromm, Arendt, Milgram, Hare, Faulkner, and Dostoevsky. I would find answers sure, but I am always left with more questions. It always boils down to many variations of two questions. How can people be capable of being so cruel to each other? And how do you stop that?

"People loving people

That's the enemy of everything that's evil.

Ain't no quick fix at the end of a needle.

It's just people loving people."

I wish 'people loving people' was as simple as it sounds. This is one of the questions that I have gone back and forth on. We are all human. We all share that common bond of humanity so how do we lose sight of that connection? And once lost how do we restore it? Right now everything divides us further and further. So how do we come together?

I still don't know.

Yes love. But if human history teaches us anything it is that loving each other does not come naturally.  We need to work at it. It's hard, it's not easy at all.

We need to respect each other. That is first and foremost. If we don't respect each other than we will never be willing to put the work in to love. Respect means recognizing and accepting the many differences among us. All of us.

We need to recognize the dignity in life. All lives matter was a growing phrase over the past couple of weeks. That needs to stay at the front of our minds.

We need empathy. We need it badly. Also there seems to be a growing trend that says empathy doesn't exist. Because that is part of what divides us. This idea that if you haven't experienced it you can't comment or understand it. I believe very strongly in empathy and being able to put yourself in another's place or state of mind. Just because we do not all share the same experiences does not mean we can't understand the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that certain situations cause.

So respect, dignity, and empathy all go into people loving people. It is definitely a continuation of what Garth Brooks first sang over 20 years ago. But he does have a new addition.

"You can pawn it off on kings and queens and those behind the curtain.

Say what can make a difference in a world so full of hurting.

But I believe the remedy starts right here with you and me.

People loving people."

You and me have a social responsibility to be that change. And we need to work together and we can do it.

Thank you Garth.

Happy Thanksgiving

A simple thanks:

Hello everyone I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope it is filled with fun and family and that everyone gets to enjoy the day and everything that they are Thankful for in their lives.

I am thankful for my family. Even the family I don't see that often (or hardly at all) the greatest thing about my trip to Italy with Meghan and my Mom was getting to meet and know my family in Torre Del Greco. That was truly the trip of a lifetime. So to my family in Italy and America thank you. I am thankful most especially for my immediate family of Meghan and my Mom. We have definitely had a rough path lately but the three of us can handle anything together.

I am thankful for my house in TN. Even if I am at this moment sitting 900 miles away in NY because I haven't (for various reasons) been able to move yet.

I am thankful for my friends who I know will always be there for me and who give me the trust and honor to be there for them whenever they need it.

I am thankful for my job. Sure I wish I made more money but no matter what I did I feel like that would be a given. I like my job there is something nice about being able to step back and see an immediate difference in a set. Also I have the greatest coworkers in the world and that is not an exaggeration. They make coming to work fun and entertaining.  

So thank you life for being pretty good. Maybe not what I thought it would be and I'm not saying I don't have complaints but Thank You. Thank you. Thank you.

A quick trip to TN

We reached the point where the things that were left in NY where to large, heavy, or cumbersome for us to move alone. I started looking into moving companies but couldn't find one I liked for various reasons. Mostly I didn't like the idea of my stuff being loaded onto a truck then unloaded into another storage location or larger truck and then reloaded onto a box truck at the new location. There was way to many times when my items were being touched and could be broken or stolen.  So we returned to ABF. This time, however, we took advantage of their partnership with Moving Solutions. Three helpers from a local moving company came to my house in NY to help us pack and load the furniture into the truck. Then three helpers from a local moving company came to TN. Both times they were punctual and professional.

Since unloading the truck was going to be a lot of work and we only had a short time we decided to fly this time instead of wasting 32 hours driving to TN and back. I hate flying! But there was no way around it driving would be too much. So my Mom booked flights out of LaGuardia Airport. Usually we use JFK airport but there were no direct flights. JFK is convenient because of the air train which connects the Long Island Rail Road to the airport. For LaGuardia we had a slightly different route The Long Island Rail Road to Woodside station and from there the Q70 Limited to the airport. I got to Woodside before my Mom which gave me enough time to find where the bus stop was located. It was easy, not as secure as the air train but it was good.

The flight was less than two hours so by the time they were bringing the snack cart by we were almost in TN. I had just enough time to finish my coffee and biscoff cookie (which was delicious) before it was time to prepare for landing.

When I packed the truck I had written numbers on the paper and bubble wrap on the furniture for each bed room. So when I got to TN I put matching numbers on the bedroom doors.

This way it was easier to tell the movers which room to bring the furniture.

While I was there I was able to get a full look at the damage my dear sweet dog Schultzy had done to the laundry room door. Originally there was a cat door that she would poke her nose through when she was 'in her room'. It was cute. But at some point she realized she could make the opening bigger.  And she did.

Saturday was our day for fun. My Mom took the packing materials to the local dump while I started building four more book cases that I had sent in the truck. When Meg got back we picked a playlist from records she had recently purchased. The music choice was certainly eclectic.

And judging from the stack of boxes that we emptied we were very successful. My library is really coming along nicely (though the books aren't organized but that will be fixed when I move).

Then we moved on to Meg's new hobby of throwing knives and axes. She had recently gone to a SCA event and won a banner for her skill as a novice. So she wanted to build a target to practice with and learn. The target sadly didn't last long but I think the design was good just the wrong materials. 

We used PVC to make the frame because we wanted to do this easily and cheap. We also wanted it to be light enough that Meg could move it.Two blocks that I think are actually for a retaining wall but the had a cross in the top that fit perfectly over the 1.5 inch pipe and provided the weight we needed to hold it down. I think the wood we got was to hard. Eventually we got some knives to sink in and stay but a softer wood or tree trunk slice would have been better. The chain needed to be tighter and stronger. The target was to loose which allowed it to swing back with the knife (that also effected the knives force). One of the knives broke the chain when it was thrown and we decided that the axes would probably break the target entirely. We used my Uncle's fence for the ax throwing which had the strength to hold up to the axe weight.

On Sunday we went back to the airport and flew, sadly, back to NY. It was a quick trip but we got a lot done and getting the furniture out of our house in NY was a big step forward to get the house sold.

Volunteering is good for the body and soul

On December 14th 2012 my sister, a coworker, and myself went to a Chili's restaurant to celebrate a successful inventory. Moments after sitting down though we looked up at the tv as an update on breaking news came across the screen. At first the details were confused but the overall story was painfully clear. A shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut had left an unknown amount of children dead, injured, and traumatized. Which meant that an unknown amount of families had suffered an unimaginably loss and an entire town was going to be effected. It was similar to the way my area was effected by 9/11. Even if you didn't have someone you knew killed in the terrorist attack you know someone who did.

A few weeks later we were at my house in TN driving to Lynchburg, TN and we saw a bunch of wooden crosses along the side of the highway. At first I didn't realize what it was for and then it dawned on me when I realized there were twenty six. . All the way in TN this tragedy had been felt. And it went further than that there were memorials across the country. It truly is a day that has effected people all across the country.

 Part of the widespread reaction was that everyone could identify with the loss. Everyone was asking themselves what if that had been my child, cousin, niece, nephew, or neighbor. That thought inspired lots of different reactions from people. One group of NJ firefighters started the Sandy Ground Project. They began building playgrounds all along the east coast, 26 in total one for each victim.

For more info about this wonderful organization follow this link: http://www.thesandygroundproject.org/


I found out about this because my store teamed up with other to donate supplies and labor to plant flowers in the West Islip park that would be built for Madeleine Hsu. I went back last week to see the finished park and to see how the flower beds were doing. Here is the main entrance that my coworkers and I proudly worked on.

There were some other flower beds throughout the parking lot and up to the beach. Then the playground was built on the beach. I hadn't been able to stay long enough to see the playground finished so this was the first time I was seeing the completed park.

Each playground is built specifically for the person it is named after. So some of the signs included things that Madeleine had written, said or drawn. It also had pictures of her favorite things.

As you can see from the sign this is the twenty third park they have built. 

I hope that her parents can find some comfort in the fact that other children will have some place to play and enjoy being children and that their daughter will always be part of that joy.  

Personally for me it was an invigorating experience. I felt like I was part of something that would help several communities heal.  The families in Newtown, as I said before, hopefully can find some peace in the fact hat the names of their loved ones will be remembered. As well as remembering them and their likes and personalities in the individualization of each park. Also the community of West Islip gets a park that was damaged during Hurricane Sandy re-done in an effort to rebuild the areas damaged by the Superstorm. By participating  in a project like this I feel like I have taken some kind of ownership of the situation. I helped take a negative and turn it into a positive even if in a small way.

It made me feel good to go back and see the completed playground and check on the flowers my coworkers and I had planted. There were some people lounging on the beach and a family enjoying a meal at the picnic benches that had been installed.

I had spent the entire day digging, planting flowers, and spreading mulch. I thought I would be sore but I wasn't in fact I felt relaxed. Really I felt better both physically and mentally then I had in a while. And I think it is part of doing something for other people creates a natural high. It just feels right.


As I was driving home I thought of the quote from Mr. Rodgers:

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

That was what we were doing. That is what the people in TN were trying to do along a highway over 1600 miles away from the tragedy. By helping we show our empathy with those directly impacted by the event and give ourselves hope that we can make a difference.

Tennessee is the volunteer state and I intend on doing a lot of volunteering when I move. I may not be able to donate money to various causes but I have skills and time that I can put to use.

I want to thank the Sandy Ground Project and Lowe's for allowing me to participate in this wonderful project. I look forward to future chances to do something that will impact my community.

That was one good car.

Well, the day finally came that I have been dreading. Onk, my 99 Ford Taurus, has finally made its last trip. I feel a little ridiculous that I am so sad at the loss of this car but that car is a piece of my history.

My sister and I bought that car when we were 21. I was close to getting my driver's license and we went looking for a car with our Mom and Dad. I definitely had dreams for what I wanted as a first car but then prices clashed with dreams. At a ford dealer we saw the tan taurus. It was in our price range, had one previous owner, not too many miles, and lots and lots of space. We could (uncomfortably) fit six. And the trunk was huge. So we bought it.

I've had a lot of good drives in that car from the first drive up to NH when Jeanne and I talked the entire way with only about 10000 reminders that I drove to close to the car in front of me, driving up and down highway 3 from Merrimack NH to the MA border just to listen to the radio, to the time Meg three friends and I drove to Maine and got lost on the way back to NH, or the time we filled my car up with more classmates than legally possible including having one person in the trunk to drive to Bickfords in Nashau NH, and the many hours spent in traffic in the Bronx listening to the radio.

Onk had a cassette player in it so Meg and I made one of our first orders of business to buy tapes for the car (mostly we had switched to cds at home). We got a Hank Williams Sr tape, Billy Joel Greatest hits, Patsy Cline and Chris Ledoux. There was nothing better then rolling down the windows and blasting Hank sr from a cassette. The sound wasn't as clear as a radio or cd it was different but we loved it. Actually the radio and music was a big part of that car. Meg and I had fun one Christmas wearing Santa hats driving around in December with the windows open playing Christmas music while Schultzy sat in the back wearing antlers.

Then there was painting the car when the New York Rangers made it into the playoffs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHQ2Is4lJNk

We had a picture of the front of the car which we got signed by the entire team during the playoff run. And Meg got her 15 minutes of fame when someone at the Garden saw the picture and recognized her from the video shouting out "Agravaine" which is Meg's Youtube account name.

The beauty about the Taurus is how well it was built. It was a perfect car to learn in. There is a scuff on the side from the first time I drove to Yankee Stadium. The bumpers had both been tested a few times. One time I was pretty sure I was in a set up. We had been stopped at a light for almost a minute when all of a sudden we were slammed into so hard I hit the car in front of me. I got out and walked to the back of my car. The guy who hit me said we should pull into the parking lot on our right. I told the guy I hit I was hit from behind and that we were pulling into the parking lot to get out of the road. However when I got into the parking lot the car who hit me was gone. Some guys in the parking lot told me he went in reverse down the road and drove through a different parking lot and was probably long gone. The guy I hit then looked at his rear bumper said "that's not enough" and left.

My ethics were tested in that car. I was delivering papers early one morning in a horrible storm. It was dark and I passed the house I needed. When I switched to reverse to back up to the car my back spun out and hit a car parked on the street. I'd be lying if I pretended the thought that 'it was 3am and if I left no one would ever know I was there' didn't go through my mind. I got out and woke the owners of the car up and left my name and phone number and then came back at a more reasonable hour when it wasn't pouring with high winds and was light out.

It also played a part in one of the worst days of my (and my family's) life. Meg and I had just pulled into a Walmart parking lot in order to pick up photo's from a recent trip to Nashville. Meg was standing behind the car when a car a few spots away pulled out very quickly and came to a stop. Before I could say to Meg "That kid (I assumed it was a kid) is going to hurt someone" the driver backed up equally fast as if he was backing into the spot I was parked in. He pinned Meg between his bumper and my bumper, pushing my parked car over a curb. Then began to drive away as if nothing happened.

The car as we liked to say had character, which was a euphemism for all the little things that would go wrong. For example the door locks which were supposed to be automatic stopped working.  We would have to push the bottom multiple times to make it unlock and then eventually it just had to be unlocked manually. Occasionally the key wouldn't unlock the driver door and I would have to remove it and pull the handle a couple of times before trying again. The seat belt on the passenger side was great at locking when I hit the brakes but hated to retract. The tape player had stopped working and would only play five seconds at a time. Then there was its refusal to switch from heating to cooling which I guess was a sign of its future end.

And there was my bumper which I had covered with my very own  bumper stickers.

I guess some were due for a refresh anyway.
 But if you like them they are available here http://www.zazzle.com/jrkeohane

I can't say I didn't see the writing on the walls. I had told myself over a year ago that the next large repair would the end. It happened a month ago when the head gaskets went and anti-freeze was apparently spewing into the engine. It was more than the car was worth.

I'm going to miss that car.

Playoff Hockey!

So as I watch the Rangers playing in the Stanley Cup Final my mind keeps drifting back to perhaps my best hockey moment before this.

It was back in 2007 when the Rangers were playing the Buffalo Sabres. I had left NYU and gone to the bar/restaurant in Penn Station to watch the game before I jumped on a train. As I sat down a woman across the bar called out to me something along the lines of:
"Look at this girl she is a true fan she has a Ranger jacket and hat and jersey." I waved and we maybe had a short exchange. At the end of the game I was getting ready to leave and something else caught her attention and she repeated the list. So I went over to her and we talked. I told her I was a crazy fan and showed her pictures of our car which Meg and I had painted for the Rangers playoffs.  She asked me if I went to a lot of games and I said no just a few. She asked why and I told her it was to expensive. Then she said to me "well I'm about to make your day." She worked for the Rangers and she told me to call her the next day and she would get me tickets. Well I was in shock and I thanked her and told her she didn't know how much this meant to me.

It was more than just going to see a playoff game. I had tickets to the final game of the season and planned on going with Meghan. However she had just had her last surgery after her car accident a few days before the season ended and couldn't make it to the game. Now a few weeks later she could. The next day when I called she told me the tickets would be in the nose bleeds and I said I didn't care. She asked me when I could get in on Sunday and I told her whenever she needed me there I could be there. On Sunday we took the LIRR in to the city and I left Meg by the playoff bus that circled Times Square while I went to get the tickets. As I walked over she smiled and told me she had another surprise for me. The tickets weren't nose bleeds. They were in a suite. I was in tears. I went running back to Meg (almost fell down the steps of MSG). We rode the playoff bus around the city and then went in to the Garden. Just when we thought it couldn't get better the elevator door opened at the suite level and there in front of us was Ron Duguay signing autographs.

As exciting as our pre-game experience was the game followed more than held its own. As Michael Roszival ended up getting the winning goal in a double over time. The Rangers didn't end up advancing but that didn't matter. Just to go to a playoff game and see a win with my sister (especially after missing the last game) was all I needed. 


Now the Rangers are in the third period against the Kings in the Stanley Cup Final for the first time in 20 years. All last round I felt like I was satisfied. I never thought the Rangers would get past the first round let alone make it to the third. They fought Philly and Pittsburg and came out strong against Montreal and I really felt like if they lost I would be ok because they could hold their heads high with how they played. But now they are here. They are in the final and there is no reason they can't beat the Kings (or any team) in a series. They need to stay focused, keep their sticks on the ice, support each other especially in the neutral zone, they need to use their speed to draw penalties rather than take dumb penalties and they need to clear the puck away from Hank.  All last round I felt like I was satisfied. I never thought the Rangers would get past the first round let alone make it to the third. They fought Philly and Pittsburg and came out strong against Montreal and I really felt like if they lost I would be ok because they could hold their heads high with how they played. But now they are here. They are in the final and there is no reason they can't beat the Kings (or any team) in a series. They need to stay focused, keep their sticks on the ice, support each other especially in the neutral zone, they need to use their speed to draw penalties rather than take dumb penalties and they need to clear the puck away from Hank. 

Pretty good for a Saturday

A few weeks ago Meghan told me that a magnetic storm was going to cause the Northern Lights to reach potentially a 5 on the Kp-scale. I started looking up areas on a map where I might have a better chance of seeing the lights (where I am in NY would need a score of around 7 and a whole lot less light pollution) to be visible. I figured if it was a three or four hour drive then after work I could go for a nice drive with my Mom and park somewhere facing north. I pulled up a dark sky map to see where there would be the least light pollution.

Kp numbers over North America

Dark Sky Map

It was pretty clear that there was nowhere I could drive to quickly that would greatly increase my odds of seeing the Northern Lights. Which meant that there would need to be a reason to go other than seeing the Northern Lights since it was possible that even with the magnetic storm we still wouldn't see anything. Now there was a very dark spot in Maine. So I google mapped it to see how long the drive would be and if anything was near there that would be worth while. Well there is nothing near there and apparently you can't drive there! According to google maps the suggested driving route was to take a plane. Yeah. I had never seen that before. Mind you I took a trip from NY-TN-TX-GA-TN-NY. And never once did google driving directions tell me to fly. :-)

The next dark spot was Lake Ontario. Now I have lived in NY my entire life but I have never been to one of NY's greatest tourist spots, Niagara Falls. I have also never seen any of the great lakes. So imagine when I checked my handy dandy google map and discovered that Niagara Falls was only seven hours away. So that Friday night around 8pm after doing all the research I needed I asked my Mom how would she feel about getting up at 4am and driving to Niagara Falls, checking out the sights, seeing Lake Erie, and then driving over to Lake Ontario to hopefully see the Northern Lights. And being the awesome adventurous person she is my Mom said sure.

While driving on I-90 we pulled over at the Syracuse road stop for a break and a drink. In the stop was  Zoltar the Gypsy fortune teller. So I had my fortune read and according to Zoltar I should do the things I feel I should, because no one wants to leave this place with regrets. Which was kind of fitting since we were on a spur of the moment seven hour trip. To make our spur of the moment trip even better we reached Buffalo NY right around 1:30 which was conveniently right around the time we wanted to stop for lunch. Now when driving by Buffalo NY and needing to stop for lunch what better place could we choose then the birth place of the Buffalo wing? (See even our spur of the moment trips have spur of the moment trips).

We remembered seeing a clip about the Anchor Bar on the Sunday morning show on CBS. The story went that when the owner's, Teressa Bellissimo, son came home one night with a bunch of friend's she wanted to find something for them to eat. She deep fried some chicken wings (usually used for soup) and poured a sauce over them and served them with blue cheese. And like that the Buffalo Wing was born! So I typed Anchor Bar into the GPS and we drove over.  We of course ordered the wings and they did not disappoint! That's an understatement cause they were awesome!

I mean how yummy does that look? I'm not
usually a fan of wings but this was special!








At a different rest stop we picked up a map of the Niagara Falls area. I thought that we might be able to park on Goat Island and watch the Northern Lights from there.  Now this was off-season for tourists and because of that we made a wonderful discovery. Everything was free: the parking was free, the trolley was free, and the observation deck was free.

From our parking spot we walked over to the Horseshoe Falls. Here is a view off the falls. The water was so beautiful and blue as it rushed towards the Falls. The mist swirled up and around the falls creating an ethereal effect.





Sadly because it was off season the Maid of the Mist boats were beached. Also the cave that you can walk through was closed partly because it was off season and also because of a beautification project that Governor Andrew Cuomo has commissioned. I can't wait to see how the facelift will look when it is finished. From the Horseshoe Falls we took the trolley over to where the main visitor center, aquarium, and observation deck were located. We walked out onto the observation deck for an amazing view of the Falls. One thing I never realized was that Niagara Falls is made of three different falls: the Horseshoe falls, the American Falls, and the Bridal Falls. Being so close to a brutally cold winter the Falls still had a good amount of snow and ice built up. Which, in my opinion, provided a view of the Falls just as beautiful as normally seen and quite remarkable. I mean I will be very excited to see the Falls again sometime when they aren't still icy. As it was the water wasn't flowing as fast as normal and it was still amazing.

I really like the way the ice seems to be reaching towards the falls like a white shield surrounding them.
We left the observation deck and walked over the boundary line to Canada and then came back to America. When we got to the customs desk the agent asked where we were coming from which confused me  (being that there was only one option) and then made me laugh as I answered Canada. As we were walking back we passed the stone where it is said that Father Louis Hennepin, a Franciscan priest, viewed the Falls. He eloquently described them by saying:

"Betwixt the Lake Ontario and Erie, there is a vast prodigious Cadence of water which falls down after a surprising and astonishing manner, insomuch that the Universe does not afford its parallel. 'Tis true, Italy and Suedeland boast of some such things; but we may well say they are but sorry patterns, when compared to this of which we now speak. At the foot of the horrible precipice we meet with the river Niagara, which is not above half a quarter of a league broad, but is wonderfully deep in some places. It is rapid above this descent, that it violently hurries down the wild beasts while endeavoring to pass it, to feed on the other side; they not being able to withstand the force of its current, which inevitably casts them down headlong above six hundred foot."

The magnetic storm was supposed to start around 7:30 causing the spike of the Northern Lights. So we headed north to Lake Ontario. When we had stopped at one of the rest stops on the way to Niagara my Mom had picked up many brochures (for planning future road trips). One of them mentioned the Woodcock brother's brewery in Wilson NY just south of Lake Ontario. So our initial plan was to find a spot and sit at Lake Ontario for a few hours and then go for a late dinner around 9pm. But making plans is a really fluid thing because I find they are constantly changing.

We drove past the brewery and continued up to the road to Lake Ontario (to a beautiful spot I will have to keep in mind next time I go). My first thought as I walked up to it was that it was more like an ocean then a lake. It had waves and a beach. When I thought back to the still waters of Lake Placid and Mirror Lake it was so unbelievably different.

As you can see in the panorama the sun was still up and very bright. Unfortunately this was at 7:30 right when the Northern Lights spiked.  In a perfect world it would have been darker and in this shot I would have had an extraordinary display of lights through out the sky. But the world isn't perfect and we had taken that imperfection well into account so it wasn't very disappointing anyway. We drove a few blocks back to the brewery for a delicious dinner. The menu asks for patience because good food takes time to cook. The menu was right. The food was great and made the wait worth it. The spent grain pretzels were an amazing kick off to the meal, and the serving was huge so we had some to take with us for the drive home. When we left we went back to Lake Ontario, now that it was dark, but the Northern Lights had already gone back down. We drove back to Buffalo to spend the night in a hotel so that we could drive to Lake Erie in the morning before returning home.

Due to the harsh winter (complaining about this winter is a theme in my life right now) Lake Erie was currently 96% frozen. Now, when the guide at Niagara Falls told this to us I couldn't really picture it. Then as we drove over the Buffalo skyway towards Wilkenson Pointe we had a great view of the frozen lake. What we saw on Sunday juxtaposed to the free flowing great lake we had seen on Saturday was vastly different.

After that we headed home by a different route (this time staying in NY and driving home via Albany). For a total route that looked like this:

There had been a few times on the drive when my Mom had seen wild turkeys so I was hoping I would eventually see one. As we drove to Lake Ontario I saw one run across the road pretty far in front of it (hardly reacquiring a slow down). Then as we were driving towards Albany I spotted a turkey ahead on the side of the road. And then as I approached the damn thing took off. I think the air pressure from my approaching car lifted it over us or else we would have had one hell of a mess.

It was a pretty nice way to spend Easter weekend, enjoying one of the most beautiful places on earth. And it was fun to go for the ride and see where it took us. This time we got to try the wings at the Anchor Bar and discovered the Woodcock brother's brewery. Who knows what we might find next time!

Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II was already Pope for four years by the time I was born. To me, and an entire generation of young Catholics, he was and had been the only Pope. When I went to Rome first quickly on a high school trip and later for three months during my sophomore year of college I was thrilled to go to the Vatican where this great and inspirational man lived.

When I was there for college my goal was to see the Pope as many times as I could. I went to several Sunday angelus, my school arranged a Papal audience, and then there was Holy Week. We went to St. Peter's for Palm Sunday mass, we returned on Good Friday for Stations of The Cross, on Saturday was the Easter Vigil and then Sunday was Easter mass. we got to the square early and got a good spot in the middle of a row. At the end of the mass people began moving to where they thought John Paul II was going to drive which allowed me to walk to the barricade. Then John Paul II made a turn and began heading towards the aisle that I was near. I climbed up on  a chair (And I think about six nuns tried to follow me on to the chair). And watched as he drove just a few feet away from me. I can close my eyes and see that day in my mind.

When he became ill and it was clear he would not live much longer I felt as if I was losing someone I knew. I remember stopping at my parish church one day to light a candle and say a prayer. When I left the church I got in my car and I had the radio on set to 1010 Wins (24 hour news radio). The correspondent said that the Pope had reportedly said something along the lines of "you have come back to me." Now I don't know when he said that but I felt like he was talking to me.  To me he was as much an integral part of the Church as the Bible and the sacraments. He had always been there. I had never even thought about a different Pope.

I'm not surprised that Pope John Paul II has meet the requirements for Sainthood so quickly. We all knew that we were in the presence of a Saint and now it is official.

The Good Guy and The Bad Guy

This is a story my Dad would love to tell.

A long time ago there was a very good guy driving on a mountain road. Now this good guy was a very very good guy. He was driving home from a charity dinner where he had been the keynote speaker. He had been talking about some of his latest ventures including but not limited to opening schools in the middle east for girls to receive an education and hopefully shape the world into a better place, providing clean drinking water to African villages as well as medication and medical training to the inhabitants to eradicate diseases and raise the quality of life, teaching farmers in South America new irrigation techniques as well as helping to provide them with the latest in farming technology so that they could produce more, and rebuilding Detroit by providing new educational avenues for the children of Detroit. He was on his way to the airport where he was going to fly to Washington DC to attend a conference on education where he was going to announce his newest plans to revitalize American education and bring equality to all through education.

Driving in the opposite direction on this mountain road was a bad guy. Now this bad guy was a very bad guy. He was running away from the police because he was wanted for a bank robbery where he had stolen over a million dollars from the vault. He had stolen the car he was in by forcing a family with a small child out of the car at gun point. During the robbery he had shot at least one person in the bank. He was working on several scams stealing money from retired and disabled people. He also had stolen the identities of several people and taken all their money bankrupting them. He pretended to be an investor and had stolen the retirement of many many people. And had also set up a fake charity and funneled the money donated by good hearted people to a secret account in the Cayman Islands.

Now this road they were driving on was a winding road as it went up and down the mountain. It was also very narrow with only one lane in each direction. On one side was the rough mountain rock and on the other side was a huge drop. To make this road even more dangerous it was a very dark and rainy night. Now normally on this road you couldn't see very far in front of you. With the heavy rain visibility was even worse.  On this particular night you could hardly see the front of the car.

Now the good guy, who was also well known for his work bringing urban gardening to poor neighborhoods, was driving very carefully down the mountain. He had on his fog lights to help provide more light and had his hazard lights blinking to warn travelers behind and in front of him. He had lowered his speed to account for the weather and hazardous condition. The bad guy, who was suspected in a number of robberies of small businesses, was speeding up the mountain crossing in and out of his lane as he made the sharp turns.

As the good guy, who had once saved 15 people from a burning building by running in and leading them to safety with no thought of himself, came to a sharp turn he honked his horn as a warning before proceeding slowly forward. The bad guy, who committed numerous counts of insurance fraud, raised around the same curve crossing into the good guy's lane and the two cars crashed.

A few moments later the bad guy slowly opened his eyes. At first he felt shocked that he had survived the crash. But then he saw a golden stair case descending from the sky right to the good guy's wrecked car. An angel walked down the steps and when she reached the good guy she said "Here is the pass to Heaven. Take this up the steps and give it to St. Peter and he will open the gate for you."

The good guy took the pass and thanked the angel and then started up the steps. He looked back and saw the angel had vanished and then continued. The bad guy walked over to the steps and watched the good guy climbing up. He paused for a moment before looking back up the steps. The angel didn't give him a pass to Heaven and there was no way he was going to settle for Hell. So he jogged up the steps after the good guy.

"Hey wait." Said the bad guy as he walked up next to the good guy. "Look I saw the angel give you a pass but the angel didn't give me one. Look all I'm asking for is a second chance. I'm not a bad guy. I am just misunderstood, my entire life has been that way. My father was never around and my mother was busy with my 15 other siblings. I basically raised myself. And so it's not that I was bad I just didn't know any better. I was always picked on in school and was bullied. But when I tried to stand up for myself I got suspended for fighting and then from then on I always got in trouble even when I didn't do anything because I had a record."

The good guy listened and being a good guy he believed in giving people second chances so he ripped off a piece of the pass. "I don't know if this will help you but here is a piece of the pass." Then he continued on his way.

The bad guy looked at the piece of the pass in his hand and then looked back at the good guy going up the stairs. He was worried that just the bit he had wouldn't be enough so he jogged to the good guy again.

"Hey, I mean no one has ever ever tried to help me before. I have always felt looked down on like people thought they were better than me. People would see me and walk away or go inside. My teachers and bosses were always nasty to me and talked down to me like I was an idiot. I got framed for a crime I didn't commit and my lawyer was in on it. Then I always got harassed because of my criminal record and all I ever wanted was a friend, someone I could trust who would help me when I needed it." 

The good guy listened carefully to the story and then looked down at the pass in his hand. He ripped off another piece of the pass and handed it to the bad guy. "I hope this is what you need." Said the good guy. 

The bad guy looked at the 2/3 of the pass he was holding and the 1/3 the good guy had in his hand. "Later idiot." Called the bad guy as he jogged up the steps to the Golden Gate.

"Hey. you're Peter, right? Here is my pass." Said the bad guy as he held up the pieces of pass. St. Peter looked at it.

"Well that says you can't enter." Said St. Peter. Then the good guy walked up and showed St. Peter the remaining piece of pass.

"Thank you very much." Said St. Peter as the gate opened. "Please enter heaven." The good guy smiled and went through the gate which closed behind him. The bad guy stared in disbelief. 

"Wait that isn't fair. I had more of the pass than he did. Why didn't you let me in?"

"It's not up to me." Said St. Peter "I just do as the pass directs. Let me show you." Then he began to open the bad guy's pass.

"And just in case you have anymore questions let me also show you the other pass."

"Which clearly says he goes right in."

THE END

Home Improvements Part Deux

Well we took another quick trip down to my house in TN. And by quick trip I mean quick. We left NY on a Thursday afternoon and were back on Monday by midnight.

Saturday was the busiest day as I got up and started working early. I changed the last of the locks and deadbolts so that now all my locks are the same key and all are the finish and quality I want. In total I changed nine locks and I now also know how to re-key locks (an added bonus).

A couple of weeks before the drive I had gone to Ikea to look for bookshelves. I settled on the Billy style and bought two large bookcases and two small book cases. So Saturday morning I started putting them together. Assembly went well and was pretty quick. All four together cost about $200.

As I am looking to furnish my house I have gone to a few stores looking for different ideas. I really like things I have seen at Restoration Hardware and Pottery Barn. Sadly I'm not so much a fan of their prices. I went to Ikea figuring I would look there for book shelves and dressers so I could save on those. I never thought about Ikea for couches and chairs. I don't really know why I just always figured they wouldn't be as comfortable and wouldn't hold up well. While I was strolling around the Ikea showroom my opinion began to change. I saw one love seat/chaise lounge which had storage under the chaise lounge section and the loves seat could be pulled out to make a sofa bed. Not only did I really like the extra storage but the pull out feature would be great for when I have company. Now back to the bookshelves.

Assembly went well and I really feel like the quality of Ikea furniture has improved since the last time I bought furniture. To me quality shows not only in material but in little details and one detail really struck me in it's simplicity.

These are the shelf pins that stick into the side of the bookshelf and the shelf sits on top of it. Notice how they are rounded. Each shelf has a matching area chiseled out so that the pins fit into the shelf. It made the shelves much more secure and added stability to the overall book shelf. I didn't have time to unpack books onto them but my wonderful sister did so here are a few pictures showcasing her decorating skills.

When I finally get down to TN I will probably take a trip to the Ikea in Georgia and get 2 more of each book case and maybe even a couch. I will then have wall to wall bookshelves for around $400. Near where Meg works there is a furniture store and they had arm chairs with script writing on them. I figure add two of those and a side table and the room will be finished.

The next order of business was to put together a green house I had bought at the beginning of the year. I have great plans for gardening when I get down there. I figured starting the greenhouse will give Meg the ability to start on some herbs and with the greenhouse she will be able to grow them year round. The green house is 7x8x10. And after seeing it Meg is now thinking she might want to add a lime and a lemon tree to it. In the warm months they will enjoy being outside and then for the colder months they will still get lots of light in the safety of the green house.

Now while I was building the green house my Mom was outside trimming the numerous rose bushes I have around the house. The previous owner must have really liked rose bushes because there are at least three in the back and I think another three in the front. Anyway I kept hearing a dripping sound as I was building the green house and my Mom heard it too. Eventually Meg came out and pointed out the source of the noise. It was a bunch of Cow Birds. I took video and it might be hard to hear but if you watch you will see the bird puff up a bit and then hear the water noise.

The trip was a good one and it was nice to be at my house. It's crazy to think that I have now owned my house for a year and a half. Meg and I have made many plans for what we want to do with the landscaping and I look forward to being down there to do it.

Anyone have any good suggestions for the green house, other than herbs, a lemon tree and a lime tree?

Curling: A slip sliding good time!

I went for a Curling Open House yesterday held by the Long Island Curling Club at the Newbridge Arena in Bellmore. I learned some details about the game, got some of my guesses from watching the Olympics confirmed, and even got on the ice to try my hand at it.

So what I now know about Curling (a combo from researching the game and last night):

First it's origin is in Scotland dating back to medieval times. Apparently when an old pond was drained a curling stone was found in it with the year 1511 etched into it and that is the oldest existing stone.
Because I love art here are two works by the Flemish Artist Peter Bruegel the Elder showing people curling :-)

The Hunter's in the Snow

Winter Landscape with a Bird Trap

The equipment:

The stones are between 38-44 lbs and official stones are made in Scotland. This is not something a person usually buys for themselves rather the stones are the property of the club. The bottom of the stone is convex and then in the middle is concave so that there is actually only a small ring that is in contact with the ice.
The brooms used to be corn cob brooms but are now more like brushes with a sponge like fabric at one end. You use the broom to make the stone go further and curl more. As I learned last night a good sweep can add 8-12 feet to a throw.
Now for throwing the stone you need to slide across the ice. So Curling shoes have two different soles. One sole is rubber and this is for the dominant leg that you will be kicking off with from the hack. The other sole is made of teflon (cause you haven't been on ice until you have been on ice and teflon). This is on the foot that you will be sliding on when you throw the stone.
The hack is where you throw the stone from on the ice. It is just a metal support where you basically set up like you would before a race with your dominate foot against the hack. You hold the stone in your dominate hand (in front of the foot in the hack). Now yesterday I was holding onto a pvc support in my left hand but normally I think you would be holding your broom.

The Curling Sheet

Curling ice is not smooth ice like on the street or even in a hockey rink. After the ice has been smoothed it is sprayed to create a pebbling effect on the ice (tiny water droplets freeze making it feel like gravel).

The playing field is called a Curling sheet it is a long rectangle with a house (three circles) painted at either end. Starting from right to left on this picture:
HA: the hack is where the person throwing the stone starts and it sits 12 feet behind the house.
BL: The backline marks the end of the house which is made up of three circles 12 foot diameter, 8 foot diameter and four foot diameter. At the center of the circles is the button.
TL and CL: The Tee Line and Center Line divide the house into quarters. The button is at the meeting point between these lines (direct center). I think the point of this is like the circles in that they help tell which stones are closest to the button.
FGZ: I don't know? Hey I'm learning here :-)
HOL: There are two Hog Lines drawn on the ice (one for each side) which are 21 feet from the button.

Rules of the game

My understanding here is still very basic (and details can be wrong). Each team has four players (Lead, Second, Vise and Skip). The game is played in Ends (like innings). Each team throws eight stones in an end. The Lead throws two, the Second throws two, the Vise throws two and then the Skip throws the last two stones. Team members alternate between throwing and sweeping, except the Skip who (as they said last night) is like the quarterback. The Skip stands by the button directing where the stones should be thrown. Now when you throw you need to let go off the stone before you cross the closer Hog Line and the stone needs to get past the further Hog Line.
You score by getting your stone closest to the button. Only one team scores per end and you get as many points as you have stones closer to the button then the other team. So if you have three stones in the house but only two are closer to the button then the opposing team you score two.
Now when I was listening to the announcers during the Olympics they kept referring to the Hammer. I guessed this meant the last stone in the End and I was right. At another point in one of the final games they said the Skip had to decide if she wanted to do something (I forget what) and risk losing the Hammer. I didn't understand that at all. I learned last night that if the team with the Hammer scores then they lose the Hammer. If the other team scores or if no one scores then they keep the Hammer. So that was the choice. As the young man put it last night (I'm sorry I forget his name) they had to choose if one point would be worth losing the Hammer.

So last night we went into a room with the equipment and got an explanation of a little history and the basics about the equipment. Of course the first thing I did was pick up one of the rocks and yeah they are heavy :-) After that we moved on to the next station where we got a brief explanation of the Curling Sheet and some tips about falling on ice. Then it was time to step onto the ice. First we learned about how it feels to stand on teflon on ice. True to how it sounds it is a slip sliding good time. Then we learned how to position ourselves on the hack and to push off with the stone in our hand (but we held it instead of throwing it) and slide on the teflon sole. The first time I tried this I think I slide about ten feet before I tumbled to the side like a baby learning to crawl. (Yeah that is the best way I can describe it and I am not ashamed). Next we got a few tries at sliding and throwing (really letting go) the stone. We were told to hold on lightly to the stone and that as we start to slow the stone will pull away and we need to just let it go. Then we got to try sweeping. Now there are two people sweeping. One is closer to the stone and one is further and touching the stone will get it disqualified. When holding the broom one hand (dominate hand) is toward the bottom and your other hand is toward the top of the handle. This was difficult. You have to run along the stone not touching it while looking forward so that you don't trip on any other stones in play and sweeping. Sweeping is hard and a good cardio workout. I can see how one can easily be sore after sweeping for an entire game/tournament.

It was a lot of information for an hour of time and well worth ten dollars.

That about sums up everything I know about Curling except for one more thing: I want to know more! Immediately after the Open House was over I signed up (what turned out to be the last spot) for the 2 hour Learn How to Curl on April 5th. Now I hope to get more time on the ice and learn a little bit of technique and maybe an idea of strategy. The Long Island Curling Club has several articles and videos on their site which I will definitely watch before the fifth so I go into this ready to learn.

My Mom

My Mom often jokes that my sister and I will some day end up telling a psychiatrist all about how she messed us up since it is always the parents fault. We usually just roll our eyes at it. However if she wants to insist she is to blame for all that is wrong then I must insist she is to blame for all that isn't messed up too.  I can't put into words everything my Mom has taught me and done for me, it's impossible. I can't thank her enough for everything she has done. And I can never tell her I love her enough for all she has done for me.

I have always been loved and always known I was loved. This may seem basic but it is the most important thing a parent can do for their child. I knew growing up that no matter what I did my Mom would still love me. I knew I might have made her angry and I might have disappointed her but she would always love me.

My Mom taught me what it means to work hard. When we were kids she worked nights so that when we came home from school she would be there with us. On top of that she helped at our grade school watching recess and working bingo nights.

My Mom showed me who I want to be. I was thinking about this a lot earlier. My Mom has always provided me with a great example of who I want to be. She is smart, honest, loving, hard working, understanding, and kind. She will stop to give directions to someone who is lost even when she is busy or in a rush. She works hard and cares about the people she works with. I can always go to her with questions. My Mom does things for the simple reason that it is right to do.

I am a combination of both my parents, their good and their bad traits and habits. There is no way around it. I hope I make my Mom proud because I think the best gift I could ever give her is to live up to the example she has set for me.

So every time she thinks she deserves blame for some bad qualities or for something she messed up I hope she knows she deserves credit for all the good qualities and ways she was a success.

Be Prepared

I think I am getting to the point where I can consider myself very experienced in long drives. The crowning achievement was a 14 state and 4k mile sojourn a few years ago across a good chunk of the south.

I have also driven the 1k miles to TN multiple multiple times now and done it in all kinds of weather. So here are some things I like to keep in my truck for long drives and bad weather.

1. Jumper cables have served me well! A couple of times I have had to jump my car and a couple of times I have jumped other people's cars. It's easy to do and a good skill especially on long drives.

2. A tire inflator that I just got less than a year ago but I thought it made a great addition to my emergency supplies. I haven't had to use this on a drive but I have used it just to give a quick shot of air to my tires. It works pretty quickly and the cord can plug into the cigarette lighter or a regular house plug.

3. A small auto shovel in case of snow. You know in case I turn a corner and get stuck a couple of quick shovels and I can work my way out.

4. I am surprised by the amount of people that live in the north east and need a new brush to clean their car every year or just drive around without one. Why?

5. An emergency blanket in case I get to stuck to get myself out and I am looking at an extended sty in my car :-) Thankfully hasn't been used.

6. Not pictured is a Hagstrom map of the USA. Because sometimes gps signals can get lost.

Internet Behavior: Why?

In my opinion there are three trends/phenomena of human nature that I think help to understand (not explain) the worsening behavior by many people online. We have all seen it ..... you go online to read a message board, article, blog, or social media feed and you see it immediately: nastiness and negativity that would not be tolerated in normal every day interaction. So how is it that we can behave ourselves at work and other situation and then we come online and become rude crass monsters? Because I have to assume a lot of people do not behave in real life the way they do online. They can't.

1.
In-group Preference
In South Pacific Emile De Becque so eloquently sang:

You've got to be taught before it's too late,

Before you are six or seven or eight,

To hate all the people your relatives hate,

You've got to be carefully taught!

But I don't know that you really do have to be so carefully taught. I think instead it comes naturally to humans to dislike/mistrust. Rather it is more likely you have to be taught not to hate. Studies have shown that babies and toddlers have a built in preference for in-group people. It's not mean; it's really just self preservation. Show a toddler two dolls (puppets). Have one puppet announce it likes cookies and another announce it likes spinach. Later bring out the same two puppets and the toddler will choose (most of the time) to play with the puppet it identifies with the most. Now this preference doesn't equal hating the other group but it can. That's what socializing is for, it teaches us to trust and realize we should not limit ourselves to the group.

2.
Negativity Bias
I'm sure that our negativity bias has roots in evolution. We remember negative events more clearly and they are easier to recall, probably so that developing humans could remember the different perils faced while hunting and gathering. Studies have shown that we remember negative experiences/feedback four times stronger than positive or neutral events. Neurological findings show that negative experiences are held in awareness longer and imprinted onto long term memory faster than positive.

As children we are told to be nice to each other and that becomes a standard then all of a sudden you reach high school and the idea of critical thinking is introduced. Now you can be mean! You actually have permission to be mean. Because if you say something nice you are being childish and just following what you were taught to do as children after all if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all, right? So under the guise of critical thinking you can say anything. We even begin to give more weight to negative remarks and view those who give negative feedback as smarter. Somehow it seems more important when people are negative. We hear 'critical thinking' and focus on critical as in being disapproving instead of as in analyzing. We remember the negative criticism more strongly so it must have been more important, the details are clearer in our minds. That helps to explain a tendency to be negative but I'm not just talking about being negative I am talking about being down right rude. Negative comments have their place, we learn from them. But negative after negative and insults we see thrown around like nothing goes beyond anything that will teach a valuable lesson.

3.
Anonymity
On many internet sites people have pseudo names protecting their identity. This gives them the sense that they can say anything they want in total safety. Even on sites like facebook where they do use their real name there is still a freedom to say anything because chances are you will never see/meet the person. Also there is a feeling that the people we are talking to aren't real. After all they are faceless unknowns not real people who we know.

On the internet you are your own in-group, all alone with just a computer. So you find yourself online talking with strangers, not members of your group. You want to sound smart and you want to make an impression. So the negative comments start. After all no one is ever going to see you or know who you are. Behind that keyboard you are safe to be as smart as you want. Not only do negative comments prove that you have 'critical thinking' skills but people will remember them better. You know this from your own experiences (no doubt). And the person who you are commenting too, who are they? They are a faceless person they might as well not even be real. In fact in one internet bullying case on the news that was exactly the sentiment of the aggressors. It was all said online. That isn't even real. But it is real. It is very real. And the behavior exhibited online is now spreading beyond the internet.

I wonder why is it that some need to see a face and hear a name to care about others. Why can't knowing they are another person with thoughts, feelings, friends, and family be enough for us? Maybe before we post online we should ask ourselves: "would I say this if I were looking this person in the face?" because if the answer is no then you shouldn't say it online.

This brings me to a question that I have found myself asking over an over: is our connection to others so fragile?